Lasting Marriage – Listen and Be Heard

Posted on November 12, 2007 in Marriage

Everyone can do two things at the same time. But, the two activities that most couples fail to do at the same time are listening and speaking. In everyday social conversation, we usually listen and speak back.

After the other person’s response we speak back again. But, when husband and wife talk with each other, the emotions run higher than in social conversation. So, it is difficult for spouses to both listen and speak effectively during the same conversation.

In social conversation people can easily switch the roles of speaker and listener. But it is difficult to do the same in marital communication. It is simply because when conversation heats up between husband and wife, the listener will not actually concentrate on what the speaker is saying. Instead, the listener will mentally prepare on what to say next.

So here we are coming with some simple principles to break the communication barrier between you and your spouse. If you apply these principles you can listen and be heard.

Don’t defend or contradict

No personal indulgence in life can be more gratifying than to speak your heart out to someone who is attentive. For your spouse to be fully gratified by being heard, it is necessary that you do not defend or contradict, in any way. If you rebut or challenge or answer back, no one is gratified, least of you or your husband.

Make sure your spouse is ready to hear or not

Sometimes you may be upset about something. Before you start saying how bad you feel about a situation , it is much better if you tell your spouse that you want to be the speaker. If your spouse is ready to listen, then you can share your feelings. If your spouse is not ready to listen, you should not attempt to speak. If you try to speak, you will not be properly heard. Yes, men do not like to listen, but remember that he has his own baggage too.

Learn to take turns

Learn to take turns if you are in conflict with your spouse. It helps to build mutual respect and affection. Try to be a good listener. Then you can expect your spouse to listen to you when it is your turn to speak. It is your responsibility as a listener to understand your spouse’s feelings. Don’t try to pass judgment on the veracity of what your spouse is saying. Even don’t try to defend yourself.

Reestablish your respective roles

Don’t try to out-shout your spouse. It will never help. The most common thing that women do when they face an alteration is to give up and walk away. This literally means, that she is not interested in listening more because she is fully correct. And everybody knows how bad any one would feel about it, leave alone her husband. So if you are in such a situation try to reestablish your respective roles. If your spouse cannot listen to you now, then speak to him later. But if he feels that he can listen to you, then ask him to hold back his opinions until you are the speaker.

Don’t switch roles once the conversation begins

Once that conversation has begun, never try to switch roles. It will not be effective for a number of reasons. If you try to speak right after listening, you cannot fully concentrate on what your spouse is saying. Even if you try to switch gears by listening without compromise and then speak, your spouse will not feel heard. The speaker may feel that his or her words are sinking in and having at least some impact.

Don’t take turns in every conversation

In every conversation there need not be only one speaker and one listener. You need not take turns for all conversations at home. You need to take turns only for those discussions of topics about which there is substantial disagreement or strong negative feelings. You should take turns only when you are upset, annoyed, hurt, angry or all of the above.

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